Friday, November 04, 2005
the first day of hari raya is over. just reached home from mustafa center to buy myself a perfume. haha. and some other stuff lah. on the way back, i was bored so i found myself staring out of the window thinking about how i felt and remembered while the takbir was heard on the last night of ramadhan.
last year, i celebrated hari raya with a broken heart. yes. as everyone knows by now, my heart was broken by hamad. it was a sad n lonely year for me. i remembered siting by the window in my room after breaking fast with just a glass of water and a few pieces of kuih, crying my heart out while hearing the takbir. i was really crying for him. i was feeling really down n nothing could make me feel better. i did had my mercu guy friend with me who tried to comfort me over the fone or while we were out together and talking abt life but nothing could really stopped the tears from flowing. after a few days i felt better and with his help i did finally move on.
that year despite my sadness, i did try n half fun in lite of not disappointing my friend's efforts. we had fun breaking fast together at eastpoint's sakura right after we spent the day studying under some block at tampines. me, ellyas, azman n nadiy. haha. then, i was my usual chirpy self with ellyas' presence coz i was abit shy being with my 2 new classmates. after break fast, ellyas went home while the 3 of us drove to nadiy's house to do somemore mugging. we studied till 11am and azman drove me home.
then, i found out that hamad was with one of our friend's ex-girlfriend. i was even more broken hearted and at the same time felt sick. i didnt ever want to see them n i did just that. when the whole gang wanted to come over, twice i lied to them saying that i was not free or going out. i was filled with anger and hatered with that happy 'son of a bitch' (yeah, i was cursing them then.)
i spent most of my time with the guys then, being my friends from sec school and from my private school. it was fun n i never felt like i was being controlled. i was free! free to be out with anyone i want and do whatever i want with them. and i loved it.
but now, im back with him, and it still hurts to know what he had done to me and the pain i had to go through. i cried for nearly 8 months since he left me and it hurts to be out and thinking about him anywhere i go. but we need to start and built a new fresh ground for us to grow and see where it takes us to. i know he has big plans for us and i do have my own plans to, and from now till then, we will take one step at a time and not rush into things. i do still have feelings for him and hope things be better for us now.
Sayang, Selamat Hari Raya.
Hope you forgive me of all my mistakes and i will try to put the past behind me and have a new fresh start with you coz i know that i am hurting you with me feeling like this. With you going to NS soon, i will miss you and i will pray for you.
To the rest of my beloved and treasured friends who even bothers to read this (hehe), Selamat Hari Raya to you too and hope you guys will forgive me for any misdeeds. We will meet for our annual Jalan Hari Raya, insyaallah. :)
the end.