Monday, September 25, 2006
did i just vent my anger out yesterday? to those involved, im sorry for what i said. but please, just let us handle our own problem.
i witnessed a malay funeral just now. it made me scared knowing that ive done a lot of sin in life that im afraid to die. the seksa kubur and hellfire. im so afraid to go through all that. i feel that all those things that ive learnt in religious school when i was younger, are just gone like that. despite knowing whats right and wrong, i still go about doing things that are against our religion. i remembered myself crying evertime i pray when i was single to seek God's forgiveness of all the sins ive made in life. be it with my parents or what i did while in a relationship. i find myself stopping by the mosque to perform my prayers while im out. but all these stopped when im back in a relationship. all the sins are recreated and im back to square one. i feel that my life is no longer blessed by Allah s.w.t for all the sins ive created. i really want to repent as i know life in this world is just for awhile but likfe in the Thereafter lives forever.
as the thing with Hamad, i dont know what i should do or what he would say after read what ive to say in yesterday's entry. i just know ive disappoint him and his family. they have been so nice to me all this while that i can never repay them for their kindness and love. im such a disappointment to everyone includin my friends and family. i was never an easy kid to be brought up. i caused so much problems since young tilll now. ive never really been there for my friends either. having to spend some time out together.
im really am soo ill that i cant even move around without having shortness of breath. im coughing till my chest hurts and i didnt have enough sleep yesterday too. i was crying for having done this to Hamad. i just dont know what else to do. im sorry. i dont know what came over me.
the end.