Monday, October 02, 2006
"Have you wished that u could turn back time to go through that happy moments you have once again coz life just sucks at the present moment?"
I got a mail from him. He wants this war to end. Its taking a toil on him and me too, he said.
But honestly, ive been living my day as if nothing had happened.
Its really just me. I dont know why im like this. Maybe is the spirit of Ramadan. Im feel that in this holy month itself, I am able to find my true self.
For example, I began to perform my obligatory prayers seriously than before. How I reflect on my actions that are done in the past and how I felt about the things I did. I find myself being more holy this month. I know how I am as a person without a 3rd party present (satan) to distract me and trick me into doing things that are not proper. And I regret.
The things ive done with the bf are all influenced by this horrid 3rd party. And I honestly dont want to do it again. Wad measures can I take? Refrain from seeing or going out with him? He is sure to badger me to meet him. Mum kept saying that im too young to be in a relationship. I think I finally agree with her. You make mistakes when you are out with the other party. You do things that are wrong and there are better things in life now that I should really focus on.
Seriously, after the setback that I had in 2003, I really paid more attention to my future than I had before. Before, its like, I said I want to do this and I want to do that, but I never really worked hard to achieving my goals. But after seeing my friends succeed and moving forward with their path in life, I was jealous. I was sad and disappointed with myself. I was so ashamed that I didnt want to talk to any of my friends who made it. It was the lowest point of my life. And it was a wakeup call for me to step up and do what I had to do to achieve and prove that I can do it.
About that time, I lost Hamad too. Because I was too sad and he was exhausted from trying to cheer me up, he decided to leave me. I was sad yada yada yada. But looking back now, I was glad he left. I had more time on my own to spend with friends and during the period of time I was mourning, I find myself touching the book much more than I had previously. I went to school and went home straight and sleep and study and that routine went on for a few months. See, I was on a mission. And im glad that my hardwork paid off.
It was also the best year of my life. And if I were to answer to the question above, it would be that year that I wish I could go back too. Not the year that I met Hamad or when we became a couple, but the year I was SINGLE. It was simply the best year. I was free to do anything I wanted. If I hadnt been upset with him breaking off with me, I think I would have spent the whole year smiling and laughing. I had almost everything going on for me that year. I had no worries (not much) and no problems.
Relationship is tiring. Seriously. You have to answer to your actions when the boyfriend asks you but you dont have too if you are single. You argue with what you think is right and what the bf thinks is wrong and vice versa. Its like you have to seek approval from him before you can do what you like. That makes me wanna stay single and not get married. Haha. Im still young, meeting new people and I want to achieve what I have set out in life. Right now, my studies are slipping abit and I have to buck up. I want to graduate with at least a 3.5 GPA. Serious hardwork needs to be done.
As for Hamad, shall I let him go and just be friends? Please people, help me out here. Hes suffering and I dont want this to affect his concentration on the road. He asked me questions like, do I still love him or am I happy to be with him and all I can say is 'I dont know'.
I was reading my old entries and I still agree to what ive said before. Things are just so different for us now having went through all those stuff. I dont love you as much as I used to. Its almost one sided. I need to search some answers for myself before I can answer your questions. I dont know how long it takes. But if its really too hard on you, let me know, I'll let you go. It be much fairer to you.
People who can give advice, please tag me or drop me an email. Thanks.
the end.