Monday, February 25, 2008
i owe someone an apology.
i know i was in the wrong. plus all the stress and lack of sleep and PMS, i had to burst.
ive been living in denial. i know i had to let go but i cant. or i dont want to. everyone around me told me to forget. i said i will just to shut them up but deep down i cant. i waited for 4 years. i prayed hard for God to show me in my dreams or by random acts who i was destined with. and each time he showed me him. how can i not believe wad God had shown me himself? i had to believe. but now, i dunno what to believe.
holding on to that dream and believe, i live in denial that he was just plain busy and had no time. but its all bullcrap. and it hurts me. i cried everyday. how depressing was that? but still, i chose not to give up.
till the fight with u. i was crying while i was online. my heart hurts. literally. it was painful. cried till 4am. woke up with red swollen eyes. went to Airshow and Is family picnic. went home and reflect, and made the choice to let go. but told myself not to get attached again. i hate the cycle of getting in and out of a relationship so fast. and i still am hoping that the dream is true. the signs God show, was true too. mayb not now. mayb later. so i'll just wait again.
i know. whats the point right? i guess its less heartbreaking when there is no strings attached or a name to that.
despite all that, im still am very sad. i just dont get it why.
this Friday, from morning till night, i be at the beach. wondering, pondering, crying. i dunno if i should be alone. in case i do something stupid. but i wouldnt want to trouble my friends either. so, alone it is.
im sorry i flared at you. i hate how right u have been. you've always been right eversince i knew you. just got to me. and i know u are trying to be a friend to me. but after all i did to u, i dunno if i still deserve to have your friendship. it kinda hurt me too. for some reason. but im sorry.
the end.