:. PrincessBear DHZ .:

2009-02-22T22:17:00.003+08:00

"I Stay In Love" Mariah Carey

Oh baby
Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside 'cause I can't stand it
Make or break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive

If you don't know me at this point
Then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me
That unconditional love I used to feel
It's a mistake if we just erase it
From our hearts and minds and I know

[Chorus:]
We said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
'cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you

Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep
It hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me
I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall
How we gonna act
Like what we had
Ain't nothin' at all now

Hey, what I wanna do is
Ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know our heart is breaking
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone
Now go I know

[Chorus x2]

I stay in love
Love
Oh, I stay in love.

song dedicated to him whom i still love dearly.

been a year. being single. and its finally got to me. ive become short-tempered, crying whenever i feel so helpless. it sucks being in this state. and i reminisce the years that i was in love with him. and ive only been in love once. i wont mention names. the rest of the guys ive dated, it was more like a crush. something i got over within months. but for him, i remembered crying for a year. but he never was in love with me. coz he moved on within months. nevertheless, despite my egoness, ive never stop loving him. and no one knows that.

i hate being the person i am now. and no one even like me now. retribution of my mistakes. if only i could turn back time.

2009-01-25T21:58:00.002+08:00

im crying. shit. i hate this.
i miss my past. very much. i wanna go back. and do things right.
omg. i cant do this any longer.
to smile when im actually hurting.

2008-12-13T12:00:00.002+08:00

i havent forgotten. but i chose to ignore it.
dont know if you still read this but wadaver right.

anyway, Happy Birthday. (belated)

2008-11-26T02:41:00.003+08:00

eunice is right.
HE IS NOT WORTH IT!

the first time we broke, he had Sarah.
then the second, Ella. months after we broke up.

if he really loved me like he said he did, he would stay and wait for me. no matter how long.

just like i am doing now. i still love my first love. always will. no matter what i said.

only eunice knows how i really feel. not even the guys know.

but u know what, its time i let go.

ive been single for a year. whats a few more years would do to me?

i know i will cry but let me be alone till the one comes by.

2008-11-10T21:18:00.002+08:00

today is Fahrul's birthday.
Happy Birthday Badut!!

haiz.. kesian kawan aku.. his gf committed suicide.. and ive been trying to console him since saturday. really kesian seh.. the girl pun very lawa.. entah nape she resort to that.. he was willing to wait.. but yet.. haiz.. sabar kay fir.. i understand how he feel.. i be the same if my bf died.. haiz..

oh.. and did i mention, someone in our group like me? sofia guessed it right! and we were just saying WHAT IF. and the next day, a confession from him!! omg! its a secret between us. shall not say...

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
dee..ape yg bagus sangat pasal aku sampai org sanggup mati pasal tak dpt ngan aku?..

.:~Ana~.: says:
entah lah fir.. masing2 will think differently.. to me.. u treat the one u love very well.. u care for her.. u love her.. maybe thats what she likes abt u... maybe dia tak dpt tu semua from her family.. and when she lost that pillar, she crumble.. maybe too great for her that she did what she did..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
haiz....its wrong

.:~Ana~.: says:
wrong? to do what she did?

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
yah la

.:~Ana~.: says:
true..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
haiz

.:~Ana~.: says:
how she killed herself?

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
tak mkn....den elan pill

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
telan*

.:~Ana~.: says:
i see.. takkan her family didnt see it coming?

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
nope

.:~Ana~.: says:
okay.. sabar kay... its not ur fault it happened..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
bt dee...bile adik die call me n ask me to give her sister back...aku tak leh ckp ape2...

.:~Ana~.: says:
mestilah.. kau bukan tuhan to do that.. and i can understand why her adik said that.. its a natural reaction when u lose someone to death.. all u can do is say sorry.. and hope that they find comfort in that..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
y seh all this happen

.:~Ana~.: says:
dugaan.. things happen to people.. no one had never gone tru pain n suffering.. kita kene tabah.. mungkin esok lusa hari aku pula..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
takde la...mintak dijauh kan

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
but my love life is always ike this...

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
mcm kene curse gitu

.:~Ana~.: says:
nolah.. mungkin lum tiba mase nye.. aku pun same senasib ngan kau juga.. dah bertahun aku menangis.. tetap same juga.. seem to always fall for the wrong guy.. or someone who is attached..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
bile aku dpt tau pasal ni...aku cant stop cryin siol...nangis jer berjam2...

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
apesal la idup aku gini

.:~Ana~.: says:
maybe its a way god is punishing us for our sins.. dah memang tertulis..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
haiz

.:~Ana~.: says:
ur're strong.. u never give up in persuing what u want in life.. and i hope u never stop doing that.. obstacles will always come to hinder us from being successful.. but its a way we learn and grow to be a better person.. mungkin tuhan nak kau sedar that he can take away what he had given u so dont take it for granted..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
bt jng la mcm gini...she still can live...y take her life seh

.:~Ana~.: says:
hidup mati dah ditentukan oleh tuhan.. im sure u know that.. we cant question his doing.. we have to believe theres a reason why she had to leave..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
haiz

.:~Ana~.: says:
i know its hard.. but be strong.. she may leave u in this world.. but she'll remain in ur memories.. loving someone doesnt mean u have to own her.. just be glad that she had been part of ur life once upon a time..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
so sad

.:~Ana~.: says:
i understand.. be brave kay.. none of this is ur fault.. so dun blame urself.. its something that was God's Will..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
yah la..i just hope tuhan syg die...jng torture die

.:~Ana~.: says:
insyaallah.. together we pray for her..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
thnx dee

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
that tyme dir call aku...aku tak leh ckp ape2 siol...

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
aku jwb sepatah sepatah jer

.:~Ana~.: says:
its okay.. im sure he faham how u were feeling then..

.:~Ana~.: says:
kita semua concern pasal kau..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
thnx...dont worry la..i wont do stupid stuff...unless da takdir aku pon pegi la

.:~Ana~.: says:
glad to know u wont do stupid stuff.. but if u need to talk, im sure anyone of us will be more than willing to do so.. jgn simpan kan perasaan.. its not healthy..

~~Dmitri Prince Of Darkness~~ http://dmitri-is-firdaus.blogspot.com says:
da biase la aku simpan semua kat dlm

.:~Ana~.: says:
but this is pekara berat.. u dun have to tell us.. thats not the only way of letting out ur emotions.. crying is another.. if u have to cry, just cry.. if u wanna talk, i be here to listen.. the choice is up to u.. we've been friends dah lame.. we should be able to share our joys and sorrow if we want to..

2008-10-19T22:23:00.001+08:00

my first and last love...

2008-10-19T22:15:00.002+08:00

things i wish to forget.

1) my past
2) my heartaches
3) my tears
3) my loneliness

blame it on my stupidity.

1) to believe what a 3rd party had to say about my relationship
2) to let him go eventhough i still love him but denies that feeling
3) to do actions to make him jealous so that he will leave me eventhough he said he wouldnt
4) to follow my ego-ness and stubborness instead of my heart

thanks alot Diyana. for listening to yourself and fahrul, you've ended up like this.
well. theres no turning back now.
its hard when im the kind that forgives and never forget.
coz now, i'll never forget this feeling i have. damn it.

2008-09-23T22:12:00.002+08:00

i hate spring cleaning!

for the simple reason. seeing your hidden treasures and reminice of the past.

my love letters. my pictures. my gifts. my love poems. my SMSes. all from hamad.

yah, i still have them. cant bring myself to throw it away.

maybe what fahrul said was true. ive never stopped loving him.

but too bad he'd moved on.

a mistake on my part for trying to see how serious he was when he said he'll wait for me no matter how long?

maybe. but all that was said was not true. typical guys.

oh well. i'll just keep praying for HIM to show me who my special someone will be. if its meant to be, its meant to be.

till then, i shall live in my memories that used to make me smile and happy.

haha. pictures are pinned on my teacher's desk in school for me to see when im having my free periods.

OH! my stalker msged me that day. i didnt know it was him! shit! now he knows im still using my number.

alright. time for bed else i'll be dozing off while teaching!

2008-09-23T22:11:00.002+08:00

finally, a new bed! after months of sleeping on the floor!!

bought it on friday at ikea after buka. fixed it on sat morning.

will upload pics soon!

haha. got abt 3 mats tugur and said "Wah...beli katil seh.."
i just smiled and ignored them. haha. but quite handsome. haha.
sempat cuci mate eh. hehe.

okay stop it.
ive been looking for love at all the wrong places.
time to find someone who can make me feel loved like i used to.

2008-09-18T20:18:00.001+08:00

FINALLY i cut my hair!!
haha. yah.. been asking ppl since year 2 ke year 3. haha.
"you think i should cut my hair?"
haha.

BUT very disappointed lah. i went to Jean Yip to cut hair. i told him lah i want till that length so i can still tie a bun. he cut so short i cant even tie my hair! he was so sorry lah. but i was like nvmlah its okay. dah potong, boleh buat ape kan. they were so fascinated lah when they saw my hair. damn long. haha. they cut and keep my hair. buat experiment agaknye. haha.

my very long hair. till my tailbone if i never tie.
the length they cut off before working on my hair.
my disappointed look coz he cut so short!
taken after i came home. remind me of my sec 4 days!

speaking of him, bumped into him at geylang just now. coz Diyana nak beli makan kat geylang. so i went with her. saw him and i was like "fuck!" serious. batal puasa aku. haha. told diyana. she was so excited. "yang mane? yang mane?" haha. funny lah that girl. then walk walk. bumped into him again but i buat bodoh jalan jer.. haha. so mean i know. bukan ape. tanak kene tuduh nak rampas laki org. thats the reason why i dont talk to him anymore.

oklah. nak rest. so damn tired. got alot to blog but so lazy!

2008-09-07T16:20:00.001+08:00

im crying now.

damnit!

just got a msg from azman. it was a new number. i recognised it was him coz he's the only one who called me Ana.

93950860 - Hi Ana. Happy Birthday. Btw im sorry for wat ive done. Take care always...

and i started crying right after reading his msg. cried so bad.

needed to talk to someone and saw fir online. msg him. then replied to azman.

Thanks. U too. Aniwae, i dunno why u did what u did to me bt i hope ur happy now.

he replied me this.

Entahlah... but i reli hope u forgive me. U hav done nothing wrong dun worry. Take care aite. N keep in touch.

and i feel like crying again.

2008-09-02T00:28:00.001+08:00

sept. bad month for me so far.
i had not smiled for days.
troubled. and alone.
need a shoulder to cry on.

2008-08-31T23:39:00.000+08:00

If we never see each other again, and one day, you feel a certain presence beside you... that would be me, loving you wherever I am.

2008-08-31T16:19:00.000+08:00

D' Masiv - Di Antara Kalian

Kuakui ku sangat sangat menginginkanmu
Tapi kini ku sadar ku diantara kalian
Aku tak mengerti
Ini semua harus terjadi

Kuakui ku sangat sangat mengharapkanmu
Tapi kini ku sadar ku tak akan bisa
Aku tak mengerti
Ini semua harus terjadi

Lupakan aku kembali padanya
Aku bukan siapa- siapa untukmu
Kucintaimu tak berarti bahwa
Ku harus memilikimu slamanya

Kuakui ku sangat sangat menginginkanmu
Tapi kini ku sadar ku diantara kalian
Aku tak mengerti
Ini semua harus terjadi

so in love with this song. quite long lah bt been busy to download.
things sucks at home. i wish i had someone to turn to at this time of need.
used to have that person. now hes gone.

damnit! why must money make life so complicated??!

2008-08-30T20:28:00.000+08:00

PHOTO BLOG time!!
starting with Southern Ridges trip.

yah. some turned out very disappointingly. haha. but first time using that lomo cam. lesson learnt. hehe.

next, Teachers' Day.

The pressies at the end of the day.

Nur Diyana. Me and Joyce.

Part of what i had at Carousel. haha. i had more than these. The deserts, SUPERB!! i want more!

My teachers day cards. hehe.

All together. =)

After the lunch, went out with my gfs. Eunice and Florence. finally meet up! haha. and meeting up again next week for yoga. yah. invited them for the free trial. shall ask Fir if he wants to join us. hahaha.

day didnt end quite well tho. and on top of that, i got diarrhoea! i woke up at 4am, 5.30am, 9am to crap! hahaha. sakit giler seh perut! finally woke up at 1pm from my disrupted sleep. haiz. now still can feel my stomach in a whirpool! haha.

oh. and i guess, Fahrul dah jadi tunangan org today. Congrats!

2008-08-24T14:43:00.004+08:00

yesterday was fun.

southern ridges with the gang! despite the rain, we walked the distance and enjoyed ourselves. took the cable car ride. wan, ted, nizam, fir and i in one cabin. lu ayy and gf in another. haha. pictures with colorsplash lomo!! cant wait to see the pics! fireworks at raffles place to end my day. the rest continued their journey to esplanade. wished i could join them but it was getting kinda late. but had fun nevertheless! maybe the next trip will be on the flyer? hahaha!

me and fir will plan to go for a yoga session next week. haha. kinda unexpected rite. me, him. yoga. haha. hopefully it be fun lah. i think eversince the rest dah masuk ns, our lives are so boring. fir takde nizam. aku pun takde org. haha. but oklah. at least we talk on msn, meet up outside to slack or go shopping. and now yoga. haha. wth. we're doing merepek stuff to entertain ourselves.

next week in sch is gonna be super hectic. minister visit on tues. lots to do beforehand. then CCAs and friday got to bring students out to Tamp Safra for the world record thingy. then got Teachers Day celebration and lunch at Carousel.

my students are so sweet. haha. a teacher stepped into class while i was conducting lesson. and she started talking about teachers day. she wanted the class to do something for their form teacher. and then she asked, "so who is your form teacher?". the whole class replied ms leong. but a few continued to add "and miss diyana". haha. i was like saying 'no no. not me.' in a silent manner. and then the teacher told me to leave the class. the rest just laughed lah. haha. wth. i didnt expect that lah. coz i am just attached to ms leong during my stint as a teacher but i wouldnt want to steal the limelight from her on teachers day with her class. but nevertheless, im touched. =)

however, things hadnt been so bright for me. bumped into azman last week. set my heart in pain. weeks before i saw his car at sgh. a few weeks after, after an outing with fir wan and ted to watch a 9pm show at VIVO, saw his car while we were crossing the road to hail a cab home since it was already close to 11pm. his car was right beside me. his friends saw me and were looking as it to see if its really me. but i didnt see him then. his friend was the one driving. i knew him coz he added me on friendster. and then, a week or 2 after that incident, i bumped into him personally at parkway! we waved and i asked what hes doing here and he hand signalled his response before i waved bye to him and walk off. terus msg fir and he was like why did u acknowledge him? should have just gave him a face and walked off. but it wasnt like that. i saw a familiar person so i looked at him and asked myself is that him? and then when he saw me, he waved and i was like shit yes. and had to wave back. but fir tried to console me but i cant and felt like crying in the bus on the way back but held back till i reached home. i bawled! it was bad. couldnt sleep that night. argh.

oh. and fahrul getting engaged this weekend. good luck to him. hope his better now after his accident. his hand. ouch!

2008-08-10T23:48:00.002+08:00

Ive only been truly in love once.
He was my best friend.
But i was young, stupid and i messed it up.
"My Great List of Mistakes"
That was the greatest.
When i finally realised how stupid i was,
I decided to fight for it but it was too late.
He wouldnt take me back.

The End

2008-08-01T22:56:00.002+08:00

i'll never be able to look at you again.
too much painful memories.

my dreams shattered.
from the mistakes i made.
you tried so hard yet i was unrelenting.
holding on too much. insecure.

wasnt until i lost you that i realised.
the only one who understood me.
while the rest, made use of me.
but it was ego that killed me.

i'll never live to fulfill my dreams.
to be with my childhood sweetheart.
as much as i need someone in my life,
i know i'll never get that chance.

to feel loved. feel needed. to be taken care of.

im happy that u moved on.
i was a jinx. always have, always will be.
with me, it was all pain and suffering. and u were at the lowest point in life.
but with her, you managed to make something out of yourself.
and its always the same with everyone else.
dont expect me to turn up for any of my ex weddings.
i wont attend.
and i dont wanna date again.
i still believe in having one special person in life.
and so far, i have 4.

2008-07-14T00:15:00.002+08:00

fahrul is getting engaged next mth!
how i know? we spent 2 hrs on the phone 2 days ago..
couldnt sleep and by the time we hung up it was 4am and ive to wake up at 6am to clean house before Malacca trip. so why bother. haha..
he told me he is scared.. coz he knows himself better and like marriage is coming up his way.. haha.. wad did he expect? dia tunang 3 tahun.. and i said dun forget to invite me to your wedding!

i wouldnt say that we talk much.. he sang most of the time.. serenade to me.. haha.. but at times we did, i asked abt his gf and he asked about all the guys ive dated.. from hamad to azman to fadzli.. and he told me he has another bike.. KR i think.. so now he has 2..

oh.. he told me about his bikers group. having an illegal race. i was like... er.. are you in? he hasnt make a decision yet.. so i told him to think twice before he made any.. not worth it if u ask me..

malacca trip was okay.. didnt buy much.. was kinda disappointed that i only bought a dress! i wanted to buy 2 tops but my mum was like tak lawa lah.. it was nice okay.. but didnt have my size.. boo.. so sad! but i spent like 39 ringgit on gums! haha!

2008-07-12T02:02:00.002+08:00

Fahrul's blog.
its been kept as a secret. but now, hehe.. read it..
its all about me! haha..

yah.. i used to be with him.. no one knows..
and sometimes i miss him coz he is really sweet.. cares alot abt me and makes me feel wanted..
but he has a gf.. so yes.. haha..
history..

http://thisclownisamouse.blogspot.com/

2008-07-10T21:10:00.000+08:00

Why, why are You still here with me,
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run
And hide myself there
But its here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
Cuz You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

And I need You to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Oh, oh

And I need You to love me, yeah
I need You to love me, yea-ee-yea
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me...yeah
I need you to...

2008-07-10T01:32:00.005+08:00

the empty classroom.

my kids!

gosh.. im such a weakling! hehe..

couldnt fall asleep till about 5am.. and at about 6.45, i got a phonecall from Junyuan primary to relief a class. boy was i tired! puffy eyes. and i had to rush coz they want me there by 7.15! a little pissed! half an hr to get ready!! argh! lucky i can handle it..

so from 7.15 till 3.30, i was in sch to relief a primary 4 class. boy did they test my patience! theres a few naughty ones and a few good ones.. cute lil boys and girls.. theres this girl.. so cute but shy.. and another one, super helpful.. eventhough shes not the monitor nor the prefect.. she kept coming to me and went "Teacher, teacher..." haha.. i had to teach so some of the good ones listened.. the boy at the back was very attentive.. forgot his name.. heh.. he and a few others kept answering to my questions which is a good thing tho i wish i could make the whole class to do the same. haha.. but i had fun!

although, a boy in the class did get hurt. being typical boys who likes to play, he bumped his head on the staircase wall and had a cut on his head. i was coming down the stairs when one of the boys went "Teacher! Teacher! Zahin injured!" i didnt see what happened coz i was walking behind the class. so i hurried and saw him lying on the floor crying. he didnt want to move nor stand up. so i told him i'll bring him to the sick bay.. and slowly he stood up and walked in front of me still crying.. he walked to the canteen tho and i had to find him admist the crowd to bring him to the office to seek medical attention. so yah i gotta file a report coz he got a cut on his forehead from the accident. and tend to wadever that needs to be done. lucky me coz i got free period after recess..

was so tired when i reached home ard 4. my legs were killing me and i need to sleep coz i hadnt had any! so i went to wash up, prayed and then off to sleep! and guess wad time i woke up? 11.30am the next day! haha! okay i did wake up at times to perform my prayers but i slept for like 20 freaking hours!! haha! and i spent today lazying in bed watching House and Dirty Sexy Money! haha. my god!

okay, tom, im really gonna start reading the handouts i printed on monday to prepare myself for my teaching stint this 21st!

good luck to me!

2008-07-04T00:32:00.002+08:00

omg! guess wad!

i saw his car!

i saw Azman's car at SGH at ard 5plus.
i was there with my cousin to send my grandfather for his appt. and we parked right behind his car. i was like, "Eh, is that his car?" i was second guessing myself coz i forgot his plate num. but the model is his and the starting 31 num plate was his too. so fine, we walked off lah. then bile nak balik, i purposely walked infront of his car and yes. confirm its his. hehe.

my cousin asked when we first saw the car, "Kalau kau nampak dia kat sini mcm mane Na?"
i was like wadaver lah. i will probably jeling and walk away. then she was like talking in chinese saying "No i dont know you. You got the wrong person. Im chinese not malay. Not Diyana. You got wrong person" in case i bump into him. haha. I said i felt like scratching his car. heh.

skali balik when i confirm its his car, i was like "Eeee.. mcm nak scratch his car jer so he know how i feel.. OUCH!" haha.. my cousin asked ade bende tajam tak nak gariskan kereta dia. i was like shit damnit. we just laughed. but serious ah. kalau ikut kan hati... geram jer..

dunno why he's there. maybe his kakak bersalin kot. entah lah. ish. geram ah. felt like waiting for him to appear seh.. see he tegur ke tak. ee!! geram nyer aku! jantan tak berhati perut! i let myself be in the open and let him know how i felt and stuff and he just crushed my heart just like that! he was the one who initiated the relationship, said that he would wait for me, never leave and look what he did.

Guys, next time you say something to a girl, MEAN IT! and DO IT!

and yes, thats the kinda guy im looking for.
if you say, i'll wait for you no matter how long to get back together with you, do it. coz thats the way you'll win her back. (okay maybe not all, but definately me. coz its so sweet and it shows your sincerity and honesty towards your words.) but i go the extra step of rejecting the guy time and time again just to see how real he is. haha. so far, everyone FAILED! and i know of a guy who waited 9 years for the girl okay! soo sweet it made me cry!

argh! super pissed off!

2008-07-01T01:25:00.002+08:00

stumbled across old photos during spring cleaning.
remincing.

i remembered posting an entry about my observation of someone's happiness by his smile.
and i saw mine. i could feel the happiness, the warmth of his hug and the tenderness of his lips.
all that from looking at the photo. Sentosa Trip on my birthday.

years have passed and i admit to have felt regrets of my actions.
i listened too much of what others have to say. their influence on me.
it was all my fault.

ive never been truly happy eversince. all my laughter and happiness didnt last long.
i could only hold on to the 6 over years of memories to keep me happy.

but im not here to break anyone up. i'll just wait for things to fall to place.

ive cried and still am crying. but no one is going to take his place to make me happy once again.

Ahmad Fahrul, thanks for the memories. eventhough you played with my heart, i forgive u.

Nor Azman, i dont know what went wrong. you left me like i was a used toy. i never expect that from you. till now i still cry coz of what you did. but i aint hoping for you to come back. you've disappeared and i know i will never hear from you ever again. you broke my heart so bad that i no longer believe in love. however, i do hope and wish you well and may you find happiness.

Muhd Fadzli, im sorry for breaking your heart. youre really a great guy but i cant find myself loving anyone anymore. but i hope you'll find your Ms Smelly soon and thanks for being so nice to me.

so yes. im no longer interested to fall in love. after Azman, i just cant bring myself to be with someone else. it hurts so much. even my mum realize it. i know she saw it in my eyes many times whenever i seriously and honestly said i wont find anyone to marry to my grandparents and my aunts. i just cant.

again, im not here to break anyone up. thats the reason why i no longer have hamad and whoever else number so that i wont be in touch. thats why i disappeared so that they can work on their own relationship. thats why i do things that may upset him so that he will leave me too. and each time i cry. coz i still care.

2008-06-24T20:57:00.001+08:00

im so happy!
happy like bird!
WHEE!!

I just received a letter from MOE.

I got an offer to be an untrained teacher for a period of a year to a year and a half till NIE give me a date for me to start sch.

which means, if im not mistaken, I GOT IT!
imma be a teacher!

ALHAMDULILAH!
syukur kepada tuhan. ive been crying and waiting for this moment.
insyaallah, do pray for me.

altho mcm a bit sad coz ive no one to share the good news with. like the first person you will call kinda thing. haha. but no worries. ive YOU! my friends, to share this joy with me! and my family.

WHEE!!

2008-06-03T23:33:00.002+08:00

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

:: Lifehouse - Whatever it takes ::

what has become of the world now?
when the meaning of True Love was used to be present in everyone's life.
the world is coming to an end. thats for sure.

i have to stay strong. try not let my tears fall.
but each time im alone, i let it all out.
anger. sadness. confusion.
never felt such loneliness.

but most of all, for my grandad.
dialysis done tru his neck. ouch.
he cried. i felt like crying with him.
but gotta be strong.

spent my time after work by his side. he would shed a few tears at times. and i be there to wipe it off. stroke his paper thin skin telling him he be okay. he is all bones now. a mere 40kg. his hip bones so visible. i felt so sad. i kept asking if he wants anything. each time he would shake his head. the occasional nods came when i tell him to be strong. not to think to much and keep praying to God. i shaved off his goatee just now. touched his face. sebak hati. but ive to be strong. that i tell myself everytime i feel like crying in front of him.

i love my grandfather very much.

2008-05-30T23:42:00.002+08:00

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again don't make me change my mind...

it happens to me quite a lot.

Dear God, please dont take whatever i have left. im already suffering since 2003. thats 5 years of tears and sadness. dont make me lose anything else. especially him. please God. i pray hard for him to still be around to see me succeed in life doing what i want to do most.
Amin.

be strong... i love you Atuk.

2008-05-28T23:01:00.001+08:00

im crying again!

2008-05-17T00:08:00.001+08:00

wahh!

penat. and so bloated! hoho.

today was my day out with Azry. haha.

long day at work. knocked off at 6.15pm. rushed to downtown. but the train i was in rosak so everyone got to alight and get on the next train which was super pack! wanted to cab down. but from kallang to downtown mesti mahal and doubt there be cabs coz its the peak hr! haiz. he called and ask where i am. i was at tamp by then. he just finished solat and said he will pick me up at the MRT. i said okay. haha. coz it was 7.40pm and the movie starts at 8.10pm. so yeap, met him. and punya susah nak naik motor dia. haha. coz i carried his bag and mine. and it is a DR-Z. quite high then the usual ones ive been on. so off balance when i tried to get on. haha. kelakar seh. he told me to stay close so i did. we reached there and got a drink at coffee bean coz he was abit hungry then and we still got time to waste. hehe.

we watched Congkak. im not a big fan of scary movies lah. but he yang nak tgk. haha. said he akan tgk with me aje. after we sat down he asked when was my last scary movie. and i said the last one was with him too. haha. that was last year? hehe. and i tell u, the movie, buat jantung aku sakit! sound effect pun sikit nyer kurang ajar. omg. haha. and yes, i tried not to scream like what happened during the cousin's movie trip that time. but i did jump up at some point. okay not literally lah. haha. he can laugh lah. thanks eh. haha. org belakang was shouting lah. haha. we kept laughing when she did. hehe.

then went to eat at BK. hehe. talked about my ex, about his students at eunos primary. haha. kekek seh. he initiated most of the convo lah. haha. but fun. tak berhenti-henti ketawa. haha. then he sent me home. reached ard 11.10? wah.. ingat pula dia that i had to be home by 11. haha.

i had fun. and nolah. nothing will happen between us okay. so yah. haha. dun worry. haha.

okay. gotta slp! besok cousin wedding! omg! cant wait to see hady, fuad and blah blah blah. whee!

2008-05-15T00:03:00.000+08:00

omg.

just got off the phone with Dzul. my prudential agent. haha. we caught up for a while over the phone. he remembered me coz he was trying to contact hamad. hah. and guess wad. he wants to set up a HOT DATE with me with his best friend! hes old! like 30? hahah! i was just kidding lah when i said that he can intro me to some guys when he asked why im still single. but he was serious! omg! omg! told him i was shy lah. haha. duh! haha. but i said oklah. no harm in making friends kan? haha.

and im planning on a date with my friend. haha. Azry. he's my primary school friend. well. he asked me out lah. "so awak, agak2 this fri evening ade chance tak kita date awak?" haha. i went out with him once while i was with azman. azman knew. i asked for his permission to go out which i didnt need to he said. but i tot i should coz im riding on his bike. a DRZ. haha. i thought it be wierd coz the last time we saw each other was back in primary 6. and even then, we hardly talked much. coz i was a nobody back then. haha. but suprisingly, we click. we talked and laughed and had fun. haha. we caught a scary movie that day. his choice. haha. after that, we somehow tak contact and i bumped into him last saturday. haha. and he asked me out again. so, its another movie, dinner and then he will send me home. hoho.

and fahrul called me during work today. he asked me if i jadi gi holiday tak. i asked why? and he asked me, "Nak gi Phuket tak?" i asked with who and he said with you jerlah. i asked "your friends?" he said he dont want to go with them. want to go with me. told me to look up the net for places to go. he wants to go in sept! waduh. so fast. haha. aku baru start keje. and ok. face it. as if i can go! hahah!

and coz my kid cancelled tuition and i already told my boss for an early release, fadzli came over to VIVO and teman me. he trickster. trick me to going out with him. we went to secret recipe and i paid for it. haha. then he sent me home. padahal he can take bus 15 home. why? all coz i paid the bill. guys! so irritating! haha. but he didnt really send me home. i alighted at my stop and he continued his bus ride to the MRT station. forced him to do so. haha.

oklah. today its like BOYS DAY for me. haha. gosh. its 12am! better sleep! hehe.

alah.. Azry baru online pulak. haha. nak buat lesson plan agaknyer. haha. kesian cikgu azry.. haha.

2008-05-02T18:36:00.003+08:00

what haircut??!

my hair is currently waist length! whee!!

fahrul said dont cut.

bah! ive itchy hands!! haha.

which one?? haha. click to enlarge! hoho!

2008-04-29T01:51:00.002+08:00

im one confused girl.

entahlah. maybe coz im sick. i need to feel cared for and love. someone to fetch me home or send me places.

but i turned away from love becoz ive been hurt too much.

all guys are the same. bunch of idiots.

and i dreamt of azman a few days ago. i saw his face clearly in my dreams. i woke up in shocked. why? i dont need to cry again. but i did. yesterday.

haiz. OCBC interview later and UOB interview tom. Tuition and robe fitting on thur and tuition on fri and sat.

im still sick. haiz.

2008-04-24T02:01:00.001+08:00

just got off the phone with Badut aka Fahrul. lucky he called me coz we spent like 50 mins hogging! oklah.. the shortest phonecall. the max was 5 hours! haha. and normally i be the one to call.

first thing aje, he said wahh.. someone got bf seh. in an unhappy tone. i was like ape jer.. haha.
asked him if he wanna buy Iphone coz my friend looking for people to order together with her.. he did mentioned once that he wanted to but hes broke. ask me to buy for him. crazy. i dont even have enough to buy one for myself lah! haha.

then he asked, nak gi bangkok? just the 2 of us. i was like haha. when? he said entah. plan dulu lah nak gi mane. we go pulau2 lah can relax. haha. i told him abt my plan to go with eunice. haha. kepo nak ikut. bwek! haha. mcm paham jer aku nie..

then he got all egoistic and narcissistic and said, i think you are the most stupidest girl i ever met lah. i dont even know what you see in me that you love me so much lah. and i know you still do lah. comm'on.. dont deny lah. i know u still do...

see!! ego kan! haha. aku layan jerlah since ive nothing to do. and then things got more serious.

he said, haiz. if only i knew you before i met my gf eh, we would be togetherlah. we would be so happy together. everyday jumpa.. we would be engaged right now. next 2 years married. then have 4 kids. or more. but you work for 2 years first lah before staying home to take care of my kids. i will work my ass off to support the family.

i just laughed lah. haha. but he was serious. he went on and on about it. like he said im a wonderful person lah. so lovable and nice blah blah blah. he got so angry when i say im ugly and a nobody. haha. and we did however knew each other before he met his gf. but we didnt really talk lah. so yah.. haha. he regret. but its too late for all that.

and he apologised coz he still cant let me go but he have no choice. he couldnt break up with his gf coz his parents wont allow it. that is so LAME!!! seriously. so i bombared him with questions like why u say u got no choice when there is? not that im forcing him to make that choice lah but i just didnt understand why he kept saying that! so he told me about his parents and how the girls he brought home before got rejected but the current one got the approval stamp. so i asked, what makes you think that some other girls cant be as good or better than her? he said i dont know. and i didnt bother trying. why? coz he takut his parents get angry or something. but he added on and say but i think if i brought you home kan, i think they be okaylah. cume u jgn mengeyam jer. haha. hallo! im not that kind lah. haha. told him even after years with hamad and whenever i go to his house, i still sit quietly at one end okay. haha.

he kept apologising lah. coz he didnt want me to feel as if he making use of me. like when he needs something than he come and find me. i did lah initially thought of that but after a while i didnt bother lah. to me, org minta tolong, kalau boleh bantu, bantu. im that kind lah. he said he cant let me go. he still wanted to be with me. see me everyday. but he cant. so the time that he disappear, he is trying so hard to forget me but he cant. so repairing of laptop became an excuse to see me.. ask me to go over his place.. he sms or call me when he can.. asking how i am and stuff coz he still cares. read my blog to know how i am..

ya. i see his point. but to believe, i'll be called stupid. i mean okaylah. i used to blame him for causing me so much heartache but nothing can be changed right? so yah.. i believe but im not hoping for anything. coz to hope is even more stupid then to believe. haha.

so yah. i give people the benefit of the doubt lah that they mean what they say. if it means that i get hurt by it, whom are we to judge? we humans make mistakes so let HIM who create us be the judge of things and befall him the punishment that he deserves.

so yah.. people take me for granted coz im nice and stuff but i believe, if im sad and hurt here on earth, im sure i be a much happier person in heaven. insyaallah..

2008-04-22T21:46:00.002+08:00

-=[B@DuT_ sent 4/22/2008 9:36 PM:
asal appear offline?

:.~PrincessBear~.: I'm Sick =( says:
how u know i appear offline?

-=[BaDuT_3m0***G*E*E*K]=- says:
i know u well enuf.. bwek

:.~PrincessBear~.: I'm Sick =( says:
haha..

mcm paham jer mamat nie... am i that easy to be understood? i wonder.....

2008-04-19T00:19:00.002+08:00

just had another crying session.

what else is new kan?

woke up from my sleep ard 12plus and i started thinking about my life. and i cried.

ive never had it easy. family, friends, love, life.

i couldnt even get to do at least ONE thing that i really want in life. to Teach. something i wanted to do since i was a little girl.

God must have hated me so much. he doesnt want me to be with the man i love, the bad kid in the family (theres one in every family), taken advantage of friends and now this? he must have really really hate me.

think about it. like what Wan said, poeple who are worst out than me (those mat minahs problematic kids wadaver), most of them get what they want in life. but me? i dont even have anything. not even someone i can turn to! i know, they may have it easy in life but they will get it later. but is it fair?

how sad is my life.

sometimes i wish i would just be gone than having to go through this. really. what good is living when all u do is cry? how many nights have i cried? how many more nights do i have to be like this? this hurt. does anyone know how it feels like? i mean really. and its not as if i didnt try. god i did! so hard.

im certainly feeling lost now. i dont even know what i want to do when i keep failing in doing things that i wanna do.

crying again.

2008-04-13T02:56:00.002+08:00

so i went sunrise watching with fadzli this morning. we didnt sleep the night before. log off msn at 4.30am, bathe and got ready. i left house at 5.50am lepas solat subuh. he msg me the same time i left home telling me he's arrived.

we rode in the cool fresh air to Mt Faber. it was refreshing. the smell, the cold air while riding. relaxing. so yah. we reached Mt Faber and went looking for a place to see the sunrise. and we did. he was so sweet, he brought along tuna sandwich which he made for me to eat. i commented that ppl working at PSA so lucky get to see sunrise everyday. and he said no lah. they not working today. or not that early. then i say, nolah. they work 7 days a week then 1 day off. he asked how i know? i work there? and i said no. my ex bf does. so yah.. thats how i know. see!! i have to bring in azman into the topic!!!

then, we didnt know where to go next. but somehow found ourself at labrador nature park. another nice place to chill if u ask me.. saw army men there too. on duty. haha. tak pernah dengar lak org duty pat sane. can see then very bored. but yah.. from 8ish to 10plus we sat there. feels wierd. he held my hands everytime he gets a chance too. i dunno.. i dont wanna hurt him or give him the wrong idea.. haiz...

then we left coz i know hes tired and wanna sleep. so yah. i gotta drop off at eastpoint to by my solution. i thought he will go home. but no. he followed me too!!! haiz. so we had lunch at KFC then it looked like its gonna rain. i told him to quicky go home. but no... he had to send me home. and when i reached home. it rained! i feel so bad... haiz.. stubborn boy..

i slept the moment i reached home till abt 12.30am. yes. 12 hr sleep. with exception of waking up to perform prayers. haha. now, CSI-ing and waiting till morning comes to go for tuition.

my life motto: Career first then Love.

yeah mon..!

2008-04-10T02:05:00.000+08:00

okay.. its decided....

after weeks of "i dunno", "should i? shouldnt i?", "not confident" and blah blah blah.. ive finally came out with a plan on what to do with my life!!

alhamdulilah.. =)

so whats the plan? haha..

Ive went for the Special Needs Officer interview with MOE last week. Am praying darn hard i will get in coz seriously, all i wanna do is teach!! yes.. i wanna be everyone 'My First Teacher'. (no pun intended. haha.)

but if i dont, here's the plan.

get a job. probably as a bank teller. and at the same time, take up a part time diploma course with School of Management in Special Education.

http://www.sma.edu.sg/programmes-f021.asp

Insyaallah if i do well, i may be offered by the Uni to pursue a degree with their Bachelor in Education programme. and with that, i can be a teacher. Insyaallah..

so thats the plan. haha..

so surprised i actually came up with this!

coming from someone who doesnt make any decisions nor plan anything! hahaha

praying hard for my dreams to come true!!

2008-04-08T23:35:00.001+08:00

The Bottom Line
To make a fresh start with someone, you must sort through deep feelings. Be honest.

In Detail
Making a fresh start with someone is proving to be much more challenging than you had initially thought it would be. Moving past grudges and hurt feelings is taking longer than you hoped, but the reward for your efforts will be larger than you expected. Resign yourself to the fact that it is going to take you time to dig through those deep feelings in order to move beyond them. This person deserves a second chance, and you need to do whatever you need to do in order to give it to them.

ive a feeling this is gonna be a very long entry.

the week started off bad. yes. bad. woke up to housework, bathe and had nothing to do. so i read my book. and while reading, i cried. and it wasnt because it was sad. it was because i thought of azman.

yes. the arse.

i know u guys are probably going "aww.. come on la dee.. move on lah... he's not worth it..."

yes. ive heard it all before. and more. advices were thrown at me and stuff. and i really appreciate it. honestly i do. but its really easier said than done. if you were in my shoes, having secretly adoring and loving someone for years, would you be able to let go that easily?

and something happened to me to make me believe that he was the one for me.

its been years since azman and me contact each other. so i was suprised when he did.

for the entire fasting month, i prayed. i never missed my prayers. not even terawih. i made the effort to do so even after a long day from work. except during days i cant lah. and after each prayer, i doa for Him to show me the guy i was to be with. to show him in my dreams or to msg me and say certain things or to do something so unexpected of him. and all these were answered and done so by azman. so yes. of coz i was happy. of coz i believed it was him. why shouldnt i? why shouldnt i believe what God showed to me? it happened throughout the HOLY month of ramadhan. of coz i believed.

but people say it was all a mistake. and that maybe now God wants to show me something else.

but would God ever make a mistake? would he do something like that to hurt his creations when he is supposed to love them? would he be cruel to play this trick on me? of coz not. if he did, then He wouldnt be God right?

but indeed, i am asking why.

why me? why must this happen? havent i suffered enough? dont i deserve happiness? how many more years do i have to suffer and cry before i can be happy? ive done so for 5 years. isnt that enough?

i'll probably have to istighfar alot. in case all these anger had caused me to stop believing in Him.

all i wish for is happiness. and that will come when i become a teacher to make my parents and grandparents happy and me to live a happy blissful life with him. with the presence of my beloved friends and extended families.

and ive just broken up with fadzli. i'll probably kick myself for doing so. coz really, he is a nice guy. somehow similar to hamad the way he's been treating me. and i miss being treated that way. but i cant do this to him. to be with him and think of another man. its not fair for him. makes me feel guilty. and coz he's been very nice and sweet to me. but i need to do this for myself.. i dont wanna hurt him.. and in order for me to have a lasting relationship, i need to forget the past and move on. which will take quite sometime.

but its okay. coz i honestly dont feel like being in a relationship now. i have other things in mind.

1) find a job if i dont get that teaching job.

2) to finally pass my driving. going private this time coz no budget.

3) to save up and buy a family car so i can provide luxury and comfort for my family and my bro-in-law family too

just hope i'll get to do these.

hope for u u'll be able to make ur heart whole again cos it's such a wonderful thing to be hidden away from others who realize wad a great heart u have - fadzli

on a brighter note, we are graduating!!

so sad our ceremony not on the same day. if not boleh lah kita posing together with our certs and gowns!! wont that be fun!! but at least the guys can do so.. kalau nak, aku dtg extra jer lah.. haha.. or bring my gown too and pose.. haha.

but we must take pics together kay? baru meriah.. members graduate.. haha..

okay, are u tired already reading this entry?

ohoh! i love my boy! he is so cute!! he tot Wan was my bf coz he saw Wan's name on my caller list. and he did like a heart thump action to show heart beats fast when you are with someone u love and have this so adorable cute face and teasing me "Ehh... kak nana ada bf eh..." haha.. so damn cute lah nie budak.. if he was mine, habis aku kerjekan. hahah.

okok. thats it for now.

the end.

2008-04-04T02:26:00.003+08:00

tried to sleep.
been crying.
had to get up and turn on my laptop to pour my heart out.

i miss him alot.
god damn it!!
why must this happen to me??
why me of all people!?
havent i suffered enough?
years of tears and heartaches.
when will it end?
when will happiness come to stay??

only two things make me happy.
Azman. Teacher.
i dont ask for much.
just these two things.

Dear God,
please. help me. i cant live another day like this.
i can seriously feel my heart hurting. and empty.
feels like im going away, leaving this place forever.
thats truly how i feel.
crying to the extend of feeling that my soul is leaving.
please God. take this pain away and bless my life.
i know ive sinned in many ways and i repent.
probably this is my punishments for my sins.
but i cant take this anymore. so please God. help me.
Amin.

2008-04-01T23:13:00.002+08:00

lowest point in life.

so depressed.

thoughts of suicidal.
whats new right?

dreamt of stabbing myself with the kitchen knife.

i just cant continue living.
had enough.

life full of heartaches and tears.
whats the point?

i'll never be happy. will not fall in love again.
feel life is empty.

happy moments almost none. painful ones aplenty.
tears just keep rolling down my face.

have not eaten for the day nor a sip of water.
hoping to die of hunger or dehydration.

to the two men i've loved, thanks for everything.
for 4 to 9 years, ive loved you and no one else.
but guess that wasnt enough.

dont know what i did wrong to deserve all this shit.
i just wish for a year of fun and laughter and no tears.

2008-03-27T01:48:00.003+08:00

fahrul msged. asked me to go over his house.
i so wanted to go.
but i was out with fadzli. darn.

"so how do you know she's the one?"

....cos she gives you butterflies in your stomach.
everytime you see her.
cos you think about her.
about her day.
what she's doing.
if she has eaten or not.
cos time is always a constraint.
enough is never enough.
when her perfume lingers.
and her touch stays warm.
and her kisses.
those kisses.
feels like the first.
unforgettable.
you do.

i love his entries. so emo. just like i am. he's my cousin's ex.

been there before. till something happened and everything changes.
such a waste.
a painful period that i will never forget.
how i wished it never happened. coz then i'll still be with someone i love for most of my life.
and be happy. but would he feel the same?

i opened my heart and many times, i get rejected.
heartbreaks after heartbreaks.
im so scared to love.

i still cry at night wondering why all of these happened.

why was i so stubborn when my heart still cared?
why did i go against something i believe in and know i'll get hurt in the end?

i wish i could go back in time. start over. how i really wish life will be so much better for me.

im just not happy right now. been months.

2008-03-22T01:57:00.005+08:00

Feel like uploading pics.

My new buys. Anna Sui powder and rouge, MAC rouge and Bobbi Brown eyeshadow. Whee!

Anna Sui lah!

2008-03-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

'A saint once decreed that a man must agree to a woman's proposal today.Give me a sign whether to meet me at eight, at the same place you sit and fulfill the tradition of February 29.'

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.

In three words, I can sum up everything I've learnt about life: It goes on

It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved before.

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.

If you are not too long, I will wait for you all my life.

Coincidence is god's way of remaining anonymous.

good quotes..

2008-03-16T02:26:00.003+08:00

ive always dreamt and wanted to marry my childhood sweetheart.

random thots there.
am bored to death. nothing to do at 2.30am.

still feels wierd. dating him.
i really feel like dating a lil boy. the feeling.
he's really sweet. its really been a while since i was treated this way.
been years if i might say.
and i feel bad coz i dont feel anything for him.
i didnt even bother to take note of the date.

i dunno. feel like crying now.

deep down i still wish that azman will be back.

im so screwed.

2008-03-06T18:45:00.001+08:00

For slideshow of selected pics - http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v693/diyanaharun/040308%20-%20BIT%20Nite/?action=view&current=a8f407d8.pbw

For whole album - http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v693/diyanaharun/040308%20-%20BIT%20Nite/

alot of things happened that night! haha.

i won a lucky draw. 2 free GV tix. which i might be using it for myself since ive no movie partner anyway. haha.

Florence and Eunice made a bet with me. If Fadzli asked me for a dance, i will have to kiss him on the cheek. I said no but 2 against 1 so the bet was on! But not fair!! Florence told Fadzli to ask me to dance! Although he did wanted to ask me even without them asking him to do so. But thank god there wasnt a dance! haha. Told him abt it on msn yesterday night and he said Florence didnt tell him of the bet. If he'd knew, he'll really ask me to dance! OMG!

After the whole event, it was photo taking time. hoho. after alot of pics taken, i sat down alone resting, when Simon called me from afar to take pic with Fadzli. so i did. and was kinda surprised when he put his arms on my shoulder. hardly touch. he was shy. haha. tu pun Simon yang suruh. and Simon said "Wah.. nice wedding photo ah.."

then as i was about to go home, Kheng Boon and Simon was like "Eh, she's going home already leh.." and Simon called for another pic. this time, Belinda dragged me and pushed me on the sofa while Simon pulled Fadzli off the chair and made him sat beside me. everyone was looking lah. so paiseh. then, he put his arms again on my shoulder, this time, not as shy as before. and *snap* *snap* *snap*. after that, Simon said "Okay.. say what you wanna say to her. Your last chance already.." i was like "huh?" then turned to look at him. He asked, "You going home now?" "Yeap" "Take wad?" "Bus. Then you?" "Walking home." "Ohokay.. well.. i make my move now then.." and i stood up and hugged my 2 fav ladies and walked away.. now i wonder what he had to say.. haha.

i met him again yesterday. my kid cancelled tuition when i was 3 bus stop away from his house!! was already at pasir ris. haiz. so i msged eunice and him. i didnt wanna go home yet so i asked what i can do ard the area. he replied "serene walk by the beach. bt so dark already, i acc u? Just finished gym.." haha. so yah.. he went home to put down his stuff and get an extra helmet (my stinky helmet) for me and met me at downtown. we went to the other end of the beach and walked and talked. then had dinner at MacD at downtown. we shared. his treat coz i forgot to take my money from my gold clutch. i wanted to go home by bus but he insisted on sending me home. felt so bad lah. he stay like 5 mins away. so yah.. he sent me home anyways.. then was online till ard 3 plus. coz my lappie buat hal. so gotta reboot. argh. all data gone.. fell asleep ard 4plus while smsing him.. haha..

dun worry.. im not in love yet. hoho. he's just a nice boy.. haha.. feels wierd.. like im dating my lil brother, except i dun have one. he's a year younger than me. which makes me feel wierd. haha. i know i said age is not an issue.. but i prefer someone of the same age or older than younger. haha. but he's nice lah.

okok. time to get ready for tuition!
enjoy the pics!! =)

2008-03-06T00:48:00.001+08:00

BIT Nite (my dinner and dance) was great!

pics to be uploaded soon!
haha..

okaylah.. sneak preview kay? hurhur..

my dress.... white and gold. =)

MP05 ladies... florence, me, eunice, belinda.

feels like Vdae all over again.. haha.. Fadzli, me, Eunice, Kheng Boon

2008-03-03T01:13:00.002+08:00

i like the effect on this.

heres the rest..

oh yes. no bra. haha. pointed nipples. yikes!

2008-02-25T23:04:00.002+08:00

i owe someone an apology.

i know i was in the wrong. plus all the stress and lack of sleep and PMS, i had to burst.

ive been living in denial. i know i had to let go but i cant. or i dont want to. everyone around me told me to forget. i said i will just to shut them up but deep down i cant. i waited for 4 years. i prayed hard for God to show me in my dreams or by random acts who i was destined with. and each time he showed me him. how can i not believe wad God had shown me himself? i had to believe. but now, i dunno what to believe.

holding on to that dream and believe, i live in denial that he was just plain busy and had no time. but its all bullcrap. and it hurts me. i cried everyday. how depressing was that? but still, i chose not to give up.

till the fight with u. i was crying while i was online. my heart hurts. literally. it was painful. cried till 4am. woke up with red swollen eyes. went to Airshow and Is family picnic. went home and reflect, and made the choice to let go. but told myself not to get attached again. i hate the cycle of getting in and out of a relationship so fast. and i still am hoping that the dream is true. the signs God show, was true too. mayb not now. mayb later. so i'll just wait again.

i know. whats the point right? i guess its less heartbreaking when there is no strings attached or a name to that.

despite all that, im still am very sad. i just dont get it why.

this Friday, from morning till night, i be at the beach. wondering, pondering, crying. i dunno if i should be alone. in case i do something stupid. but i wouldnt want to trouble my friends either. so, alone it is.

im sorry i flared at you. i hate how right u have been. you've always been right eversince i knew you. just got to me. and i know u are trying to be a friend to me. but after all i did to u, i dunno if i still deserve to have your friendship. it kinda hurt me too. for some reason. but im sorry.

2008-02-21T19:13:00.004+08:00

2 emails from azman.

how angry i felt when i saw them.

about horoscopes and friendster msg.

wadahell!

u have time to do those and not reply to my bloody email??!

fine. avoid me. you never seemed to care anyway.

stood haidir up today. went to sch to study. fadzli joined. so it was the two of us. how awkward. he knows about my situation. kheng boon told him. wonder what else he said abt me. fadzli said nothing much. hmm.. wonder wad. saw haidir. that idiot. said dun wanna come sch today. msged him and he called and saw me with fadzli having lunch. not dating okay u idiot. haha. and sorry i didnt tell u earlier fadzli sent me home. i didnt know he would. he asked if i was going home after blaja. i said yes. then he said yahoo! i brought your stinky helmet for you. haha. my stinky helmet? but apologised if i did coz he picked me up from napfa and sent me home after dinner at simpang at 12.45am. haha. he seriously look innocent lah. eunice and flor wanted to pair us up. but no way. i still love the bf in a wierd kinda way and i think he is too good for a girl like me. yes, he's single. so boy next door! haha.

wanna try and log in into neopets to play game now. forgot the birthdate! wadahell.
my poor CuteFroggie06. yah yah. i got a thing for froggy. bleugh!

2008-02-16T01:18:00.003+08:00

i want my GOLD for napfa plz!!!!

argh!! hate myself! if only i didnt walk so much, i would have gotten that gold!!

A for sit ups - 28,
C for standing - 178,
B for sit n reach - 41,
C for incline - 12,
B for shuttle - 11.7,
E for 2.4 - 16.47

waduh.... if only i maintained my 15.40 mins 2.4km run, i would have gotten that GOLD!!!!!
but oklah.. dah 6 to 7 years tak buat PE nor Napfa, i'd say i did good. haha.. =)

so what did i get?

Bronze.

ended at 10plus. so late. mandi coz fadzli came back to school to send me back home. waliao. feel so bad. but we went to dinner at simpang first with eunice and that guy. haha. so the guy drove eunice home as usual while fadzli gave me a ride home on his bike. reached home at 12.45am. waduh. so penat.

what is ur value..?

2008-02-13T23:31:00.000+08:00

the story of a can of coke...
value of a can of coke at ntuc:-$0.80
value of a can of coke at a hawker centre:- $1.50
value of a can of coke at a hotel restaurant:-$5
value of can of coke at a high class pub/club:- $10

if u re a can of coke,where would u want to be..? i m sure u want to be value at a high price,but then again if u re that can of coke,u will never know where u would end up coz a can of coke cant decide its future.... but u as a human being can decide where and how much u want to value urself as long as u put ur heart n soul n mind into it....
reflect on it......

2008-02-12T22:29:00.000+08:00

im just not strong enough.................

u can if u want it...

2008-02-12T16:49:00.000+08:00

the thing is there is nth in this world that is impossible its just of a matter whether u want it or u dont.... so i suggest that u wake up and open ur eyes as wide as u can n see what the world has to offer to u.. why let urself be trap... u re trapping urself,its not the other way round... about time u stand up for urself.. coz nobody will do it for u... u are going to be 21,life decision are in ur hands,ur life... b4 ppl stop bothering bout u,u better start taking action... why let urself be use like this.... come on diyana... u are more then this... i know u know that too...

2008-02-12T01:06:00.000+08:00

fahrul.

he's the only guy who makes me feel loved. as in, i need to be loved and pampered and these needs have to be fulfilled. my bf dun seem to care anymore. i dunno. and fahrul hugs, kisses me when i really need it. to feel loved.

i dunwan to be such person. two-time. but i dun get it from the guy im suppose to receive it from. get wad i mean?

i really want to get out of this shithole but i cant.

wow...

2008-02-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

quite an interesting conversation there u had with mum.... tot u re over with fahrul..? probably not my place to comment but i hope u snap out of it b4 u heard urself further or worst.... n anyway how come i dont see u online anymore..? u block me again..? i guess u dont want to hear me nagging at u huh.. oklah.. will take my leave now....

2008-02-11T22:54:00.000+08:00

mum: nana ngan hamad ape cerita? dah tak kawan lagi?

me: huh? asal?

mum: yerlah, saje je ibu nak tau. asal? dah tak kawan lagi kepe?

me: ah ah. dah tak kawan.

mum: kan, ibu dah ckp dah. cinta monyet nie semua. dulu bukan main lagi ckp 'i love you i love you' nie semua.

me: ah yerlah.

mum: abih skrg dia buat ape?

me: nie baru nak habis ns. then kerje kepe lah.

mum: matair dia lawa?

me: entah

mum: abih asal dah tak kawan lagi?

me: entah. tak tau.

mum: dia tau pasal yang si dektu?

me: azman? dia tahu. pasal nana dah ngan azman dia gi kat pompuan lain.

mum: tu lah. buang masa jerkan. dulu mcm2 janji. kasi cincin semua. skrg ape jadi?

me: ah tu lah.

i was joking around all along. just wasnt comfortable talking about this with mum.
but i think she knows.. hah.

hafiz asked me to celebrate vdae with him. wadahell.
i dun farking celebrate vbdae. its lame.
a day to celebrate love. why cant you do it on any other day?
only stupid ppl celebrate vdae.

2008-02-11T22:47:00.000+08:00

just reached home from fahrul's place.
no one's home. have it all to ourselves.

i hate myself.
argh!

this is why i dun deserve any good guy.

what is ur value..?

2008-02-11T22:26:00.001+08:00

the story of a can of coke...

value of a can of coke at ntuc:-$0.80
value of a can of coke at a hawker centre:- $1.50
value of a can of coke at a hotel restaurant:-$5
value of can of coke at a high class pub/club:- $10

if u re a can of coke,where would u want to be..? i m sure u want to be value at a high price,but then again if u re that can of coke,u will never know where u would end up coz a can of coke cant decide its future.... but u as a human being can decide where and how much u want to value urself as long as u put ur heart n soul n mind into it.... reflect on it... u can be strong its just a matter or whether u want it or not..

definately a first...

2008-02-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

if u dont mind me asking,what did ur mum ask bout me exactly..? i dont think she would even remember me seh...

2008-02-10T02:47:00.000+08:00

mum asked about me and hamad.

random right? was suprised by it. but i told her anyways.

cinta monyet she said. but i knew what it really was. and it wasnt cinta monyet.

i know how i feel and im gonna keep it to myself forever.

its not right to say these things already.
no point.

nothing can be done to bring us back to those times.

so she asked about hamad. thats a first. she never really did that before.

its wierd talking about love to her. haha.

i just hope that God will show me the way. i really cannot stand this.
blame it on my loving nature.

i emailed azman. and im so scared to read his reply if he ever do reply to it.
im afraid of another broken heart.

guys have really sweet lips.
most guys i met on Tagged, calls me baby, sexy, hot, cute, gorgeous..
hello! blind bats!
some even wants to get physical. so sick.

guess guys will be guys.

2008-02-07T15:09:00.000+08:00

spent my night crying. didnt sleep a wink.
came back from tuition at ard 11pm. walked from pasir ris home. was tearing abit. in my mind was only one thing. him. alot of questions were running tru my mind.

reached home, did some random stuff then when everyone was asleep, i cried. frm 1plus. just kept crying. got breathless. but i cant stop crying. i thought i was going to die. felt like it too.

ive never felt like this before. i really wonder what i did wrong. have i? i havent seen or heard from him for months! sedangkan satu hari takle tahan, ni berbulan. seriously. i dun ask for much lah. i dun expect for luxury stuff or for u to meet me everyday. just a msg or a call to ask me how i am or to know im okay. to know that you still love me. right now, i dun feel like he even does anymore. he doesnt even freak out when my stalker screened the labs looking for me. or the fact that i even have a stalker.

i dunnolah. i seriously hate this feeling.

i dun believe anymore.

im born a failure.

iskandar dreamt of me.
i was pregnant. and didnt even know who the dad is.
freaky.

2008-02-06T00:01:00.001+08:00

all my friends have told me to break up with him.
but theres a reason why i still choose to stick around.
coz i believe in what God have showed me.

and He showed me; him.

ive been going tru heartaches since the begining.
and nothing is changing.
at times i feel like finding someone new.
but maybe God is testing my patience.

so no matter how bad it is, i'll wait.
tho i hope it be better soon coz what goes around comes around.
and it pains for me to see my love ones suffer.

so please God, hear my cries and turn this into something beautiful like you've showed me before.

2008-02-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

if i could turn back time, i would.
back to the first time i knew you.
though it was years ago, i would.
coz it was when i first fell in love with you.

reminiscing.

dunno why so emo. but true.
i would do things differently. wouldnt be so irrational. so stupid.
it caused me my sadness. 3 whole years of sadness and tears.
wondering, when will this end.

lesson learnt. and now im waiting till my happiness comes back.

which never will.

2008-02-03T20:28:00.000+08:00

ive always wanted to celebrate my happy moments with someone special.

has that ever happen? No.

my graduation. my BIT night. ive no one to be with.

oh god! why am i so weak? why am i such an emotional person? why do i always get myself into situations which will break me down even further? when will all of this end? will i ever find happiness??

all i ever want. Happiness.

it was taken away from me a long long time ago.
and now, im crying again...

wish you all the best in life and hope that you'll be what u want to be.

insyallah u will..

2008-02-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

i m so happy for u that u re completing ur dip n soon will start on ur life journey.. for me.. things are just about to fall into place,i will be going for an interview with moe on the 12th n hopefully i get thru.. as i really want to get out of this life cycle of mine.. i will pray hard for u that u will achieve ur dreams...

2008-02-01T23:45:00.001+08:00

cant believe i'll be graduating in 1 mth time!!

insyaallah, if all goes well for my final exam, i will graduate.

looking into job vacancies available in areas i have interest in.
(in order of interest)

NIE
Teaching Career - application submitted for both Diploma in Education and Degree in Education.

Singapore Prison Services
Management Support Officer (Assistant Home Detention Officer)
Management Support Officer (Rewards & Discipline Officer)

CAAS
Assistant Duty Terminal Manager
Human Resource Officer
Commercial Officer
Airport Management Officer
Corporate Service Officer (In Any Division)
Customer Service Officer
Air Traffic Controller - this would be interesting.

HSBC Bank
Customer Service Associate Program, Personal Financial Services - Branch Network
Senior Operations Assistant (HIP), Singapore Operations Centre (SOC)

hopefully, things will go well for me..

2008-01-28T21:19:00.000+08:00

this entire week i spend my nights crying.

i really miss him alot!

oh God!! why must this happen to me??!!

2008-01-23T23:29:00.001+08:00

OMG!!!

i was so scared just now la. i was alone in the lab doing work. my friends went to have lunch. while doing work, i got a stiff body so i turned ard to stretch my body. and to my suprise, i saw my stalker with his friend, walking past the lab beside mine, screening the lab!!! obviously looking for me! i quickly hide behind the wall hoping he wouldnt see me. and thank god he didnt. i quickly grabbed my hp and called eunice to come back to the lab asap. i was so farking scared lah!

then otw to tuition, i felt giddy. and otw back, my chest began to hurt again.

haiz. macam nak mati pun ader.

2008-01-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

i really just want to cry.

remember that im the type of person who forgives but never forget?
well, guess wad. i never forget whatever events that happened in my life.

my happy moments, my sad moments. i can imagine it vividly.

and sometimes, i cry just thinking about it.

maybe betul kata fahrul a very long time ago. i still love him.
as much as i want to forget him, i cant. but i wont be back with him either.
now, im crying more often then i used to.

to deny matters wont help coz it will come and haunt you one day.

for many years i was really in love with someone. (mentioning his name makes me cry.)

and for 4 years i secretly love azman.

for a year plus i was in love with fahrul too.

but with azman and fahrul, guess things never worked out.

is it so hard to understand me? why cant a guy love me like how i love him? i just need your love. not material stuff. is that hard to give?

im not desperate. just longed to be loved once again.

i miss the feeling.

im crying. and it not helping that i cant seem to breathe. chest hurts and painful breathing.

2008-01-22T01:48:00.001+08:00

threw up real bad.
stress is the cause of it.

cant eat. cant drink. even plain water.
i will just puke.

feeling it again.

argh! gtg.

btw, bumped into my stalker. he gave me a sly smile my friend said. days before got an sms from him. ".... months of friendship gone just like that."

friendship?
since when are we friends?

just puked again. fuck.

pregnant?

2008-01-17T23:31:00.000+08:00

Whats with the tummy..? hehe..

2008-01-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

'PREGNANT! '

i will get rid of this i swear!

2008-01-12T01:06:00.000+08:00

doing. saying. things. that will make u hate me.
intentionally.

2008-01-10T02:00:00.000+08:00

im dead tired.

the past few weeks, only had a few hours of sleep. mostly 3 to 4 hours.

thinking. doing stuff. crying.

now doing fahrul's laptop. friends asked why i even bother. just my nature to help ppl. i dun expect anything in return. and i dont like to treat friends badly. so if i can help, i help.

btw, ive never seen this much porn in my life!!

u know, theres always a certain event that occured which result to your turning point in life?

i dun have to go into details on that coz it wont help us anyway. so why bother.

i really hate myself now. more than before. since that event. i kept asking myself where have i gone wrong? what have i done to be treated this way? to deserve all of this?

i seriously give up. on everything.

2008-01-06T19:48:00.000+08:00

alot of thing is bothering me.

im going to burst!

airwan msged me yesterday. the divorced guy.
Is msged me too. a 29 year old man. wants me to be his gf.
Hafiz, the stalker, sent me an empty msg.
Nas, a guy ive been chatting everyday, looks like he's interested in me.

not going to blog anymore. it just hurts. everything. i hate this.

2007-12-30T16:35:00.000+08:00

click to enlarge!

i want this dress please! hehe. maybe for my BIT Nite.
im a size M and ive converted the price. round up to 40 usd = 58 sin dollars.

my birthday present for myself. hopefully. if i can save that is. which reminds me. my policy lapsed again. no cash. even right now, ive only 50cent in my wallet. how pathetic.

couldnt sleep last night. thinking. about everything. felt lousy again.

i know what my true feelings are. just too ego to say it. but nothing can be done. that i know. its just a big mistake. but whatever. im sick of life.

feel so unloved. when was the last time someone celebrated my birthday? not even my family. been years. the last time family celebrated was when i was in primary sch. how sad is that? when was the last time someone said I love you and meant it? when was the last time i felt happy being with someone i really love and love me too?

i cant seem to remember.

all i know is, my life, is screwed up. fucked up.

2007-12-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

Premature ejaculation. Occurs when a man orgasms during intercourse sooner than he or his partner wishes.

hmm.. wad was that for?

whee~

my boyfriend msged me!! asked me to go over his house.

suprised suprised. haha. he asked me to come over and will send me home when he's going to work. so i said okay. haha. apologised to eunice coz i told her i teman her go starbucks since i was free. but she understood my situation and let me off. hehe. love you babe!!

reached his house at 6.30pm. watched 'little giants' i think. he couldnt sleep as much as he wanted to. he lay on my lap trying to sleep but couldnt. the movie ended shortly after. determined to get some shut-eye, he asked me to go inside his room.

so i lay in bed with him. he cuddled me trying to sleep. and then.. u know what.

but we didnt. why? he asked me have i ever had sex before. he was on top of me. and i lied to his face. he didnt quite believe. he asked again, are u sure. again i lied. yes. he wanted to be in me. but it hurts. i went 'ouch'. twice. then he asked again. have u had sex before. and by this time. i felt something on my stomach. he grind himself on my vagine for a while before grabbing a towel to wipe it off. then he covered me in blanket and we laid in bed.

he asked me again. and i asked kalau i say yes how? he said kalau yes yes lah. we laughed. then he said bile u ckp tak tadi terus i ter (i forgot but it means shocked) tu keluar. we both laughed.

he did get some sleep in the end. i slept in his arms for like half and hr. haha. i then slowly crept out of his room to go to the washroom to pee then read mags out in the living room. woke him up at 8pm. he mandi, siap, lipat baju kat ampai then duduk2 jap ngok tv and left his house at 9pm. he sent me home and he's off to work.

me love.

2007-12-26T13:48:00.000+08:00

i cant blog this in my other blog so here i am.

having a terrible headache now in school. not nuff slp maybe.

i made a new friend. he seems like a nice boy. he makes me laugh everyday. but he thinks too much. haha. cool. makes me smarter. and he's been introducing me cool songs. me love.

and i made another new friend. a... wait.. let me check his profile at Tagged.

........................................................................

he's 37. with 2 boys. beautiful wife too. seriously. damn sexy. but he said previous marriage. so.. maybe not together anymore. he's not bad looking himself. works kat airport. live in pasir ris. used to stay in simei. and.. i think we're meeting tom. at east coast at night. then he drive me home. or so thats the plan. maybe. i dunno.

my minds blank. dont know the fuck im doing.

i hate myself and i hate my life.

times like these i need a hug. to tell me its okay.

fuck im crying in lab!!

2007-12-02T00:55:00.000+08:00

i feel the need to blog.

i cried yesterday night. cried myself to sleep.

after reaching home at 12.45am from my night run with the guys, i clean up and was checking my msges at Tagged. these guys seriously have nothing better to do. haha. then out of boredom, i read old emails.

came across hamad's old emails. i read. and i cried.

switched off my lappie and cried till i fell asleep.

the if questions running tru my mind.

too late for all that now....

2007-10-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

dear readers,

me and hamad have decided to close this blog.

what i mean by that is that, we wont be updating this blog anymore.
its still be up though coz i like the memories. but no updates.

somehow im sad, on the verge of crying. but trying to hold it all back.

but i guess, we've moved on into our next phase of life.

thus, i wish you the very best in life. hope she's the one for you. u deserve the best my friend.
and im sure ur friends will be glad to know im outta ur life for good.

one thing i'll miss most is ur youngest sister, Tasha. i watched her grow and how close she was to me when she was younger. she is the sweetest.

this is the very last you'll hear from me.

argh. tears.

thanks for the memories. for everything.
my first love. my first everything.
thats why its so hard..
goodbye.

2007-10-03T17:11:00.000+08:00

someone is dating!!!!!

Mad Jack n Island Creamery with a friend.

pwweettt!!

haha. i know.. hehe.

im so happy for you lah! hope things turns out well for u..

this is the last you'll hear from me. the next time maybe, it be a few years and we'll go "EH!! Dah lame tak dengar berita? kau apa khabar? dah kahwin? anak brapa???"

betta go.. blogging frm work. yikes!

Another long week...

2007-09-21T21:41:00.000+08:00

Mon:
On Urgent leave,went to Bukit Timah Mad Jack n Island Creamery with a friend.
Tues:
Went to Bdk Camp in the afternn to collect 8 recce bike
Wed:
Went to Bdk Camp in the morning to collect another 2 recce bike,in the afternn prep n line 10 ICT refresher training vec
Thur:
In the morning continue prep of ICT vec,in the afternn took 5 reservist for refresher training,in the evening after break-fast at 730,went to Pasir Laba Camp for an ad-hoc last min store run detail tilll 1030
Fri:
In the morning,took 13 reservist for driving assessment test,in the afternn book out vec from workshop....

what a week... never work such long hr in a single day.....

2007-09-09T19:17:00.000+08:00

i hate home.

my and my dad have the same opinion on things. about mum.

ive made up my mind. i shall not persue my dreams. of becoming a teacher or going to a university. im sacrificing my dreams. just so there will be peace in this house. i'll work after poly and support my family.

i hate the current vibe in this house.

2007-09-06T22:06:00.000+08:00

its my birthday!

nothing fun happened.

was reading my book when i got msges after msges wishing me 'Happy Birthday!'.

(in sequence)
from abang, solehah, charlene, helfi.

ridzwan, fahrul(suprise suprise), haidir, mama (hamad's mum), sofia (my darling cousin) and nizam msged during work.

hamad wished me like wayyy before my bdae. haha. thanks lots.

woke up at 5.30am thanks to my sis's alarm. couldnt fall back to slp. so i replied abang's msg and we exchanged a few smses for a while. poor boy working night shift. golek2 till 7plus where i got up to bathe and go to work.

had a very dull day at work. stayed alone at work till 7plus. then walked from raffles to ct hall just to entertain myself with the sights on my very boring birthday. dad called while i was waiting for the train and asked if i had plans with friends. i said no. i was going home. he said liar. i said i swear. hahaha. then he said okay birthday girl. haha. sounds wierd when he says it.

and ridzwan is very sweet!! he bought dunkin donuts for me from JB!!! hahaha. thanks wan!

was shocked to hear from an old friend. azry. hello.. hehe. it was nice to hear from him.. =)

mayb, things are starting to look up this year.

and thats about all. =)

thanks wan!! =) they look so pretty i cant bring myself to eat it!

2007-09-02T21:13:00.001+08:00

i feel like my birthday came early this year. haha.

just met my friend just now. been a long while since i met him. he had something nice to pass to me.

3 cute cupcakes and 3 red roses

so sweet kan? haha. must be from his cousin's wedding. thanks abg azman. =)

2007-08-26T00:16:00.000+08:00

my 20th birthday is coming! in like 12 days? hurhur.

but im not feeling it. celebrating my birthday i mean. although i did thought of having a pit or a chalet or makan session at home. but when i think about it, who shall i invite? who will come? will they stay? will they have fun? will they even turn up?

thats when i felt sad and just forget about all my plans. would be a waste of my effort and money if i cook and no one came. yah. i even planned on what to cook for my guests.

having worked my butt of since SIP and after SIP made me realise that money = hardwork. but im glad that i dont have to depend on my dad for money. coz i have my own. all expenses on me. and i still have no savings. its really sad lah. penat penat kerje duit habis gitu ajer..

im sad that ive no savings at all. seriously. i planned to buy alot of stuff but till date, i never bought any. but ironicly, when i get my next pay, im going to buy myself a new hp. as my birthday present lah. coz ive havent been getting prezzies since god knows when. haha. big spender. and prolly other stuff. BUT after that, im saving. i hope. i wanna have a future. so i will have to.

i feel like buying these. hehe.

Diabolo Handbag

Spirit Grip Bag

Ferrari Jacket

French Terry V Jacket

Golf Bonded Fleece Jacket

i really like the Ferrari Jacket! or the French Terry. wait till i get my hands on you!! haha.

This Songs says it ALL...

2007-08-19T18:14:00.001+08:00

haiz...

The Chronicles Of Maria

2007-08-17T01:07:00.000+08:00

Click on Image For A Bigger Picture.

Please support local production.. N it is my first time doing this at this scale so pls do support us.......

2007-08-13T20:20:00.001+08:00

MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!!

IM GOING TO BE AN AUNTY!!

noooo!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-11T15:11:00.000+08:00

forget.
forgot.
forgotten.

2007-08-11T15:08:00.000+08:00

click to see in bigger view.

see my ugly collage. haha. lazy to do nicely. but someone been pestering me to update my blog. haha.

pictures of Bond International. attachment.

lalala.

2007-08-07T01:51:00.000+08:00

i know its been a very long time since i update this blog. i will. with colourful pictures. haha.
when i have the time.

so till then, haidir dearest, you will have to WAIT! hahaha.

i miss the ppl at work! coz im always the target for the day. humiliation and embarrasment. hurhur.

i will update soon. i promise. =)

i miss ALL my friends!! *muacks!!*

2007-07-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

im damn penat. and a bit pissed.

got my pay today. and as usual, mother will ask where all my money go to.
keep nagging that i have no savings wadsoever. like hello! i hardly spend on myself okay! havent even bought anything i wanted. money goes to concessions, food, groceries, lenses, savings plan.
mostly on food lah. argh! and lend some to friends who cant seem to pay me back. not that im complaining lah. im a very giving person. but ppl like to take me for granted!

work is merepek. penat lah. and boring. coz hari hari buat programming. boleh naik giler!

i really want to buy a camera for myself!!

but mum been nagging at me to complete driving. alah. orang takde mase lah. duit pun takde.
haiz.

freaking hate my life!

2007-07-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

okay. so i went to watch Abg Yan played yesterday at Esplanade.
gerek! haha.

its been a very LONG while that i blogged. haha. been busy.
nth much happened lah. kakak kahwin, busy with work. programming. sucks btw. im still slow with it. haha. most of it my friend do.

now, im ill. flu. haiz.
kinda drowsy now.

will link Haidir and Farhanah blog soon! i promise!! haha.

This Song Deserve Airtime.. hehe...

2007-06-18T19:58:00.001+08:00

My Fav Song from Minutes to Midnight...

2007-06-10T14:48:00.001+08:00

have i mentioned how i FUCKING hate to be home??!
ITS HELL!!

cheebai!!!!

i swear i want to RUNAWAY!
packed my clothes ready to leave!!!

the next time i swear i would bang my head against the wall and stab myself with a knife!!!!!!!!

cheebai!!

I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL DO IT!!!

ive enough of this farking life!

2007-06-07T16:56:00.000+08:00

whee!!

been a while since i blogged. hurhur.

been busy with work. always home late. and i'll be tired. so can hardly find the time to blog.

i miss all my friends!! i wanna hang out! please please please!!

and i wanna go SHOPPING!!

i want new clothes, heels, handphone, camera and make-up set.

haha. im becoming more like a lady!
NO!! i must stop all this! im a MAN!!

haha. im high. on red bull.

RED BULL GIVE ME WINGS!!

Everything..

2007-05-26T22:17:00.001+08:00

this song reminds me of u... n i still miss u.. haiz..

2007-05-16T22:51:00.000+08:00

been a while since i blog. gotta make a short one though.

am so tired from working. had been fun lah. but very penat.

just chatted with hamad. im sorry for your loss. be strong okay? pray for her that she'll be in a better place. insyaallah.

i think i shall go and stare at my cupboard and think of what to wear for work tom.

that was short wasnt it?

nitez!

Mix-Feeling..

2007-05-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

Starting course tom,but having mix feeling bout the course,one i m lazy to attend it,but at the same time i cant wait for it to start to gain the experince.. Shall just see how it is tom.. Wanted to slp this afternoon,was already falling asleep but then there is this SOMEONE who sms me asking about hp.. in the end,i end up cleaning my rm instead... oh.. i found all my notes that i made in sec n poly.. was happy to find them,can use them when i resume sch next yr... coz i seriously tot i have thrown them away in anger... thank god i found them... oklah,gtg.. i wanna slp.. a lot had happen today... emotional things... My life is so complicated that sometime i myself is lost in it... Thats life i guess.. gd nite world... may not write again anytime soon.. nid to find myself.. i have gotten lost.... again....